Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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