If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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