Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
