Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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