nut hugger
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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