I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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