note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
