I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
