He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
