I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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