I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
