So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
