yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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