I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
