They should really pass out barf bags in church
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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