I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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