Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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