Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
His hands were made for my vagina.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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