My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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