I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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