i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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