First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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