Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So much rum. So many feels.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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