How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
