The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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