I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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