I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
