Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
babies were throwing up all over the place
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
