THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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