My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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