just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
