one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
