News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
