I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
