I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
