Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
