My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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