Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
