I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
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You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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