Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
