Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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