plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
