Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
