Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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