You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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