i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Its about making memories worth repressing
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
