wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
