So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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