yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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