Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Are my feet made of real feet?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
