I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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