3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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