Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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