why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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