I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
