apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
50% drunk capacity currently
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
