Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
