I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
